Flatline Competition

You’ve seen the flyers, now get ready to choose! You can vote here for your favorite Flatline piece; the winner will be The Pulse’s new Flatline writer for next year!

You can view the final two pieces in the current issue of the Pulse, out now! We’ve also copied them below for your convenience.


Student Actors Needed for Staged Dorm Rooms

In an effort to reduce tour traffic in the residence halls next year, Spring Arbor University (SAU) will be setting up “viewing rooms” for prospective students. But rather than let the rooms be lifeless and empty, SAU is looking for student actors to fill the rooms so prospective students can see a typical room without bothering other students.

Student actors will spend tour days in the staged rooms, doing their homework and acting happy. They will also be required to interact positively with visiting students and parents.

A tour guide said they “hope the new setup will keep the normal students from feeling like animals in a petting zoo during tours.”

“I never know what to do when people come by on tours,” one student said. “Like, I have to stop crying about my schoolwork so I don’t scare people away, and it’s exhausting.”

Other students agree.

“I just want to scroll through Facebook in peace, you know? I feel like I have to be productive when people are looking at me.”

SAU officials are planning on making staged rooms in Alpha 1 and on the 1 West in Gainey and Andrews Hall. Some housing changes may occur as a result, so students are advised to check their emails frequently over the summer.

Auditions for the positions of student actors will be taking place over the next week in the Student Development office. Applicants will be tested on their ability to ignore people snooping through their closets and dresser drawers and on how positively they respond to being interrupted while working on very important papers.

Flatline #2

University to Give Cats to Female Students

A pre-graduation press release from Spring Arbor University (SAU) stated the university would start appreciating female students more in 2016 than ever before.

Although International Women’s Day is March 8, two months before the graduation ceremony, SAU is trying to set an example for the rest of the community.

“It is never an inappropriate time to celebrate women,” a representative of the university said.

Faculty and staff scratched their heads for weeks deciding the perfect gift to celebrate the success of their female graduates. Finding a gift that would celebrate the different types of women represented on this campus was not the easiest task, but the faculty of SAU believes they’ve found it: kittens.

“They need something to love and nurture now that they’re officially adults,” the representative said. “We think cats were the way to go.”

However, there were some stipulations for those to receive cats.

“We realize that there are some women more… blessed than those who need cats,” the representative said. “So, those who are moving in the right direction in their lives, by getting married, can expect to receive a Babies-R-Us gift card.”

The news about the gifts brought new excitement and criticism for the graduation ceremony. Cat lovers were ecstatic about their good luck, while some women are questioning the university’s decision.

“Why are only the women getting gifts?” a particularly offended male said. “Why didn’t the guys get anything?”

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